why do i have to always initiate?

8 posts, 4 voices

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Ever since we were kids he would rarely talk. He doesn’t remember it that way but his brother use to always talk for him. Now we’re adults and I feel like he does the same thing, only now its for a different reason (maybe?). He wont initiate convo but it makes me feel like Im bugging him when I do. I feel like I’m begging for his attention because honestly if a guy were really into me he’d make every effort to contact correct?

I can sense that this guy has a hard time communicating with anyone. It is not just you. His brother has always been his crutch because his brother is more outgoing then he is. If you would like to chat I would love to give you further guidance :)

HI Katrina, Dont beg for his attention,and stop letting him play games with your affection! You deserve better than that and if he isnt man enough to step up and talk for himself,then he isnt worth messing with.Online and available now if you want some help in this matter. Blessings! Bluedragon

He is weaker than you, and sometimes you give him the courage and strength to open up the more you communicate with him. It’s kind of like understanding that even though he is not initiating things it is an illusion. We an give up on people and quit due to the fact that we just don’t know what they think or feel. Patience is a big a must. We are all not good communicators and by your example although it may seem like work, the more you communicate openly and don’t withdraw, the more it pulls him out, and accepting him for who he is in the moment is another must. Changes don’t happen over night. I don’t think he does this intentionally. He just lacks the confidence, and self worth to communicate strongly about his emotions and feelings. You don’t need to beg for his attention, but be strong in your own self worth and confidence and understand this has nothing to do with you, but his own issues he needs to face from the past. We all have issues and problems. This is the point if we all give up on people, quit, and walk away because they aren’t doing what we want them to do in the moment we usually love with conditions instead of unconditionally. I would not focus on his issues, but resolving what ever it is your feeling in the moment, and why how he reacts or responds affects you the way it does. Whether he or any other man responds in any certain way you have to understand you own your own emotions, feelings, and reactions. We can create many stories in our mind about what another thinks, or feels about us. Forutnately we want to blame it on someone else for the way we feel or think, or respond. It is up to us to see things negative or positively. Responding in the same manner.

He does hold back a lot but last few months he was pulling away. I accused him of sleeping with my sister as the reason. He’s denying it but my guts says its true. But I’m not going to keep begging or asking for his attention or friendship. I know I’ve walked away a few times but then I feel like im always the one crawling back and keeping the friendship going. Im sort of tired of doing it. I figure if he truly wanta this friendship he’ll put in some effort and contact. I figured since he’s pulled away and the sister is a part of the cause maybe she understand him and he is happier with her. Idk, but I think he has it set i’m.his mind that i’ll always be around no matter what. Yes i’ll get angry & walk away but i’m the end I think he expects me to come crawling back. As he once told his brother, “We’re I have her on.lock.”We’re in other words he didnt think I was going anywhere.

Think the thing is when we’re in relationships what ever state of mind we are in whether it is negative or positive, what we are focused on is the end result between two parties. It is like monkey see, monkey do. If we are angry, hurt, depressed, happy, joyful, giving, etc, emotionally we mirro that to one another. A relationship has to be a safe place, unconditional, and give both parties room to make mistakes, grow, learn, change, and become more of their best selves. Forutnatley that takes two whole people to accomplish that have dealt with their own insecurities, issues from the past, and setting boundaries where they understand that when the other is not doing well or good, it is not about them. I have seen this case scenario so many times where a woman or man accuses someone of having an affair. Some times it is true, and fortunately other times it is just a story or illusion they’ve created in their minds out of insecruities. Only you can determine that, and of course know what is best for you. If you are truly finished with this man, than detaching from the situation, and taking a look at what brought you here to this man will give you clues how to avoid the same situaion in the future. It does take a lot of work, emotionally, spiritually, and physically to be in any relationship. Often we go relationship to relationship and end up learning the same lessons with other people. I think you will find out this by looking at your past relationships and comparing the situations you’ve been in and whether there is certain patterns. If there are patterns, than you need to ask yourself why? Find the answers, and detach from them. Good luck!:)

I believe I understand what you mean. In all honesty I came into our (adult) friendship with expectations. I thought he would just get me. When he didnt I got upset. I expected him to just fall for me. Love me. Take away all the pain from my past, basically work miracles. He’s just a man. A man with his own issues & no one to listen. I think he wanted me to be that one to listen. Then again maybe not I dont know because I can never figure him out completely. I do also think Mr. Bluedragon is right in this too that he likes to play games and it gives him a bit of ego boost to play with my emotions. I’ve been giving things a lot of thought & if he makes contact I will accept him as he is with no true expectations for more. I will keep moving forward in life & if he starts with the game playing I will stop him in his tracks. Boundaries, they have to be set especially with him. This time though I am.not going to make contact with him. If he wants this friendship he has to make the first move this time. I see my recent pattern and its been neediness and wanting validation, not feeling pretty, smart or worth the effort and it’s lead me to begging for love and its left me completely putting my happiness into the hands of others. Its sad because these men aren’t happy themselves. My pattern will only be broken once im confident and back to being myself, independent and strong and feeling beautiful inside and out.

I think if you take this time to get more positive and feel better about yourself I believe you will be very proud of yourself. It looks like you are going in the right direction. Just follow your own heart. :)