troubles in marriage

over 13 years ago

our marriage was not perfect, but yet not bad, our marriage was good, but on aug.4 it all changed when I became sick, and now have been off work because of it. And it’s trying our marriage, and is pulling me apart. He just doesn’t understand, what I am going through, his bottom line thought is money, we have money we make ends meet, but still to him if I was working I would be making more. It hurts to know that, that’s all that is on my husband mind is money, and not my health.. His main thought is if they don’t find out what is “your issue” on Jan.4.. then what are you going to do. – i replied i don’t know…. all i wanted to do is cry.. he just so doesn’t understand. this hasn’t been a party for me at all. I just don’t know what to do, I wish i could just talk to him and he will understand but he doesn’t. So I am hoping that Jan. will bring what is going on, but I know there will be some treatment, which means not going back to work as soon as he thinks. Never knew an illness could be breaking apart a marriage.

over 13 years ago
garnetta didn't upload a photo

jenny Fardell (garnetta)

185 posts

I’m so sorry. This is an awful reaction from your husband who you’d expect to love you in sickness or in health. He’s probably feeling as frustrated as you are. There’s nothing he can do about your illness, so feels bad and guilty about it. And he’s fed up of waiting for results from tests. He doesn’t know what to say when people ask him how you are/if you’re pregnant yet and is he firing blanks/dealing with the piteous looks he’ll be getting from his friends. Unfortunately, nothing in the marriage promises tells you what hard work it is loving each other through the bad times. He feels already that he’s carrying a responsibility and is scared this might be what marriage will be like for the rest of your lives. No one marries and makes the promises expecting to have to stand by them. And the only way he can cope with it is by worrying about money he’s probably concerned deep down, but can only focus on the money issues. Of course he won’t understand your illness. He hates it. He hates that the marriage has been ‘spoiled’. Not by you personally, but by the illness. Men are generally practical beings. They want answers, can’t cope very well with uncertainty, and think how they’ll be affected. Men also like women to be independent and be able to stand on their own two feet, and he’s probably pissed off and angry for you, not with you. But unfortunately this comes across as being personally directed at you rather than the illness. (Wait til he’s ill, the whole world will have to stop and he’ll be entitled to be moody, grumpy and downright difficult!!! It’s so true women wash up when they have flu!!) He’s defensive about your illness, doesn’t understand it. Wants to be reassured – hence him asking what are you going to do about it? (underlying these words – you are going to be ok aren’t you?) His attitude comes across as being selfish and inhuman, but I think he just doesn’t know what to do and where to turn and can’t help you, so he withdraws and blames and makes you feel guilty. I hope this sheds some light on his behaviour. Big hug x

over 13 years ago
angel34 didn't upload a photo

angel (angel34)

416 posts

The first thing is you need to talk to him in simple terms not a long story men cannot absorb things like women because they only use the left side of the brain and women use both sides of the brain I have watched a show called dr oz and this was a topic that was spoken of there are some really good tips on there about how to talk to men. Men just want to get in there and fix it perhaps get the doctors to explain things to him. Have you thought about doing some work from home for the moment just to tide things over it might not seem much but at least you take that worry away from your husband at present but communication is important and I think the doctors talking to your husband may be your best option. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer back in 2004 and because my father was present at the appointments he understood what was going on and was there for my mum so this is probably your best bet. My mum has been in remission ever since she had her breast removed and chemo your husband needs to be there for emotional support for the recovery of your health to be on track so getting the doctors to explain all this will help him understand better. But you and your husband need to keep the lines of communication open to keep your marriage on track.

over 13 years ago

he does mae me feel bad for being sick, and when he can’t get things that he wants he will happly let me know that if i was working he wouldn’t have to say no.. the main fact is that he doesn’t understand. At times i just feel like going away for a short time. there is only so much I can do

over 13 years ago
angel34 didn't upload a photo

angel (angel34)

416 posts

Hi this is what I suggest you do at this point as it seems the current way of dealing with things is not working and all that seems to be happening is you thinking the worst and that is what you are attracting so you need to as of this moment to stop, take a deep breathe and believe that everything will work out. You need a plan of action to resolve everything and here is how you can do that.

The first thing to remember is you have to nurture what you have else it will wither up and die nothing survives in a negative environment just like a flower needs certain things to survive so do humans so see what you are about to do as nurturing that flower.

As of today you need to start to adopt a new way of thinking if your life is to get back on track. What you need to do is find half an hour each day at the same time to do the following it works as I have done it and the other people who I have told have come back and given me good news that it worked for them. In that half hour I want you to visualise yourself playing with a little girl with brown curly hair that is about 3 years old as I said I had a quick flash of you with a child with brown curly hair she looked only about 3 years old. I want you to visualise yourself playing with her, running around as if you don’t have a care in the world like everything has settled down and you are enjoying life. Before you start this visualisation I want you to tell yourself that everything is going to be ok. Keep doing this and it will work. It is saud that your thoughts are the planting of seeds so if you want things to work out there cannot be any negative thinking from this moment forward.

Just to prove this works I did this back in 2005 I found out I weighed 90 kg and so for the next 2 years I told myself that I was going to lose 36 kg and on the 01 April 2007 I weighed 52 kg making my total weight loss 38 kg so I actually blew my goal out of the water by adopting this method. You have more to gain this way than what you are currently doing it is like the record is stuck on your record player, time to change the record and take back control. You are the writer in your own destiny and you can have anything your heart desires if you adopt the right method.

I have kept the weight off for more than 3 years now.

over 13 years ago
angel34 didn't upload a photo

angel (angel34)

416 posts

Hi this is what I suggest you do at this point as it seems the current way of dealing with things is not working and all that seems to be happening is you thinking the worst and that is what you are attracting so you need to as of this moment to stop, take a deep breathe and believe that everything will work out. You need a plan of action to resolve everything and here is how you can do that.

The first thing to remember is you have to nurture what you have else it will wither up and die nothing survives in a negative environment just like a flower needs certain things to survive so do humans so see what you are about to do as nurturing that flower.

As of today you need to start to adopt a new way of thinking if your life is to get back on track. What you need to do is find half an hour each day at the same time to do the following it works as I have done it and the other people who I have told have come back and given me good news that it worked for them. In that half hour I want you to visualise yourself playing with a little girl with brown curly hair that is about 3 years old as I said I had a quick flash of you with a child with brown curly hair she looked only about 3 years old. I want you to visualise yourself playing with her, running around as if you don’t have a care in the world like everything has settled down and you are enjoying life. Before you start this visualisation I want you to tell yourself that everything is going to be ok. Keep doing this and it will work. It is saud that your thoughts are the planting of seeds so if you want things to work out there cannot be any negative thinking from this moment forward.

Just to prove this works I did this back in 2005 I found out I weighed 90 kg and so for the next 2 years I told myself that I was going to lose 36 kg and on the 01 April 2007 I weighed 52 kg making my total weight loss 38 kg so I actually blew my goal out of the water by adopting this method. You have more to gain this way than what you are currently doing it is like the record is stuck on your record player, time to change the record and take back control. You are the writer in your own destiny and you can have anything your heart desires if you adopt the right method.

over 13 years ago

I really try to stay (+), but I think the hardest thing is being a person that keeps everything to herself, and only shows what I want people to see. I have always been that way. But that old way is going to have to change and change quickly.

over 13 years ago
smartadvice's photo

Art (smartadvice)

100 posts

i can see positive things happening to you soon. lets talk more in chat. Art from belgium